Challenging Empathy

I wish that bipolar disorder had a different name. It’s so much more than just two extremes, manic and depressive. There are so many maxima’s between the two polars that seem to be shooting in every possible direction like a pinball machine. Sometimes daily. Sometimes hourly. Clinical symptoms are just that…clinical. They are the vague references we read and learn about in books or online or from our doctor or psychologist. They have everything and nothing to do with our own children who happen to have this disorder. Every symptom looks and acts differently in every child. And they don’t include the impact that they have on our entire households and ways of life. Our journeys are similar in that we both have raised sons with bipolar disorder. However, our stories are unique to ourselves. Our struggles are coinciding, our heartaches are parallel, and our triumphs are comparable. But how each of our sons react to the clinical symptoms of this disorder is unique to themselves. We have both learned to manage and mother our sons through trial and error. We are not experts in bipolar disorder, but rather we are experts and connoisseurs in our son’s bipolar disorder. We both have brought our sons and family to see Orlando and have attended his parent group for years now and we have shared our stories and milestones with each other throughout these years. To be able to connect with another parent that is going through the exact same thing is so soothing and reassuring, and that’s not something we routinely experience with parents of non-bipolar children. And maybe by sharing our individual stories in this book, then someone else will be able to relate and take in a deep cleansing breath of reassurance-Amy & Tiffani- When I met Amy and David for the very first time in my office, November 2004, I remember having in front of me a happy boy who had no idea why he was in the office, and a mother whose body was in my office but it was evident that her mind was somewhere else. It took me a few sessions to get a better understanding of why her mind was somewhere else. I began recognizing her concerns, fears, and helplessness about David’s behavior. As a mother she wanted to be there, to do whatever was needed to help him. As a person, she looked tired and maybe hopeless, dealing one more time with David’s issues. David was described as easily getting irritable, angry, and very aggressive, fighting with people, having risky behaviors, climbing things, with significant mood swings, and going from being okay to becoming sad and withdrawn. Sometimes, he was very excited and happy then, becoming moody and screaming and yelling when he did not get his way. Amy said, “it is like he could care less about the consequences of his behavior.” After hearing the parents’ description of David’s behaviors, I realized that I needed to know as much as I could about David and his parents and to work with the entire family to try and help with a family problem and not with David's problem. I remember thinking that David had no personal reason to be in my office, and Amy was bringing David and not the entire family for treatment. That was the very first challenge. This, in addition to whatever they were thinking about this therapist who said that he collected Pokemon cards and coins, at the same time he had an “accent.” Tiffany and Nick came, for the first time, to the office back in December 2004. Nick was a curious child, looking around. He was introduced to me as “argumentative, with several suspensions from school, becoming destructive at home and at school, disrespectful, and having out of control temper tantrums. Tiffani said that “he was expelled in the first grade for aggressive and disruptive behavior.” By age 6, he pretended to fly, and he was stopped from jumping from the second floor. Not an everyday boy. His behavior was affecting the entire family and it was going to be difficult to deal with Nick’s problems without involving the family. From the very beginning, Tiffani had the best positive disposition for assisting Nick with his treatment. A significant step forward in Nick’s treatment happened when she convinced herself that she must let him grow as a part of his treatment. By this I meant, to let him face the consequences of his own behavior, to create a motivation for changes. Amy and Tiffani have done what was needed to deal with an unpredictable disorder. A disorder that we do not know much about, mainly in young people. A disorder where medication is still in an exploring phase. A disorder whose existence is still denied by some professionals. A disorder that needs a multidisciplinary approach. A disorder that affects the entire family, and this is why it is important for the entire family to be part of the treatment team. This treatment team has to include professionals in mental health, the family, and the client. The professionals are experts in their discipline. The parents are the ones who really know the behavior of the child. Professional expertise is really helpful when implemented in a particular person, with a unique personality, unique physical and emotional needs, and unique strengths and weaknesses. Without the knowledge of the person, the theory itself is not going to help. The expertise in the personality of the client is not enough to overcome bipolar disorder. -Orlando Villegas, Ph.D.