Discourse for the Literati
The Wit & Wisdom of Graybeard
by
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A Short History of America
In this Discourse we will look at how America was founded. This is important because if, it had not been founded we would never have Thanksgiving. We all know how important Thanksgiving is for family celebrations not to mention the airline industry. We have Ben Franklin to thank for his subsequent attempt to make the turkey our national bird. This petition failed as Congress was a little nervous with the association of a turkey and the US Congress. They decided on the eagle which is a bird of prey. Congress was more comfortable with the eagle. In my view either bird would be appropriate for identification with our Congress.
We have to go back to Nottinghamshire England in the 1600s to begin our story of the founding of America. Conventional wisdom has it that it was a group of people who wanted to escape religious persecution by fleeing to America. After exhaustive research (I tire easily,) I discovered it was a small group of malcontented business men who decided they were paying too much in corporate taxes to the Crown. The capital gains tax even back then was very high. I am not sure how high it was but it was pretty high. In any case, the taxes were high enough to cause a lot of discontent with these business men. It is not important as to who these men were, because you are only going to forget their names anyway.
One of these men owned a ship and it was called the Mayflower. Later in America, the same family of the ship owner would found the Mayflower moving company. This is interesting because several years ago, one dark night in Baltimore Maryland, the owner of the football team, the Colts, decided to pack up and move out of Baltimore to Indianapolis figuring he could raise ticket prices and make more money. I think the move happened back in the 1980s but I am not sure. To this day, Baltimorons will not do business with the Mayflower Company.
Now as I said, the Mayflower sailed from England sometime in the 1600s with a whole bunch of disgruntled business men on board. I am not sure of the exact date but it is not important as you will probably forget the date anyway. By today’s standards the Mayflower was a pretty small ship and sailing the Atlantic must have been a daunting task. On that ship was one businessman who made wagons. They did not bring any wagons because as I noted the ship was too small. I will get to the wagon story later. After a long time at sea everyone got seasick. As a consequence the captain decided to look for land along the Massachusetts coastline. Actually he was looking for New York but was confused due to seasickness. This mistake would have repercussions later on.
One day — I am not sure what day — he spotted Plymouth, Massachusetts which is just about 40 miles south of Boston. On arrival they were greeted by the Boston Red Socks. This particular Indian tribe would later found a baseball team but that’s another story which I will get to later. After settling into their homes, the Mayflower pilgrims would experience an economic downturn. Today they call this a recession. It was to be a difficult year and without a 401k plan to fall back on, many people suffered.
Sometime during that first winter the Manhattan tribe of Indians would visit with the Red Socks. The Manhattans were looking to unload the Island and relocate to Florida. New York winters can be pretty harsh. The general consensus among the two tribes was that the Pilgrims were not all that economically viable. The Manhattan tribe then decided that they would have to put on hold their plan to sell the island. The Red Socks were not sure of what to do; if anything. Here again I am not going to include dates in this Discourse because just like names and dates; you are going to forget them. I am being redundant because by now you have probably lost your concentration.
The Manhattan tribe that would later be renamed the Yankees made their way back home to the comfort of warm tents and the local deli. Anyway, winter turned to spring just as it always does and the Pilgrims planted corn. The corn seed had been given to Pilgrims by the Red Socks in a fit of generosity. The Red Socks were a lot nicer than the Manhattans who only wanted to exploit the Pilgrims. This was pretty typical of the Manhattans which is why Wall Street was founded on lower Manhattan.
At the end of summer the Pilgrims harvested a bumper crop of corn. They decided to give thanks and invited the Red Socks to a feast. The early predecessors of PETA protested the killing of turkeys but were over ridden. Betty Crocker was not born then so we really don’t know the entire menu. What we do know is they definitely had the green bean casserole with French’s onions. There is some conjecture with regard to sweet potatoes with marshmallow topping. Historians are still searching for the original menu and in particular the recipe for stuffing. Right now there is a huge dispute among foodie historians on which is best; to stuff the turkey or bake the stuffing in a separate pan. The Pilgrims did not have any pans back then so they probably stuffed the bird.
In any event the Pilgrims had a wonderful feast and thanks to them we have Thanksgiving.
Oh I forgot. The guy who made wagons in England made his way to Detroit and started building wagons. The company he started would still later become General Motors; another reason to be thankful on Thanksgiving Day.
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About the Book
A fit of pique lead to the creation of the Discourse, an electronic publication of articles containing the sometimes satirical, sometimes esoteric, and often humorous writings of the man known as Graybeard after he fell prey to a kangaroo court and was dismissed as editor of his community newsletter.
In Discourse for the Literati, Carl Beckman, who uses the pen name Graybeard, shares selections from his reborn publication, which includes commentaries, a bit of humor, satirical missives on travel, the intrusion of technology in our lives, and nostalgia, and other pithy comments, reflections, and bon mots. From a funny history of America and a satire about computers to commentaries on getting old and witticisms about food, travel, and the modern world, there’s a little of something for everyone.
Now in his seventh decade of life, Graybeard opens the Discourse to anyone interested in the idiosyncratic musings of a man reincarnated to write whatever he wanted to write and to publish—no censorship and no deadlines, just a writer and something to say.
About the Author
Carl Beckman, who uses the pen name Graybeard, began his writing career at the University of Maryland, where he wrote two courses of study on audiovisual production for the college of education. He went on to write educational television production scripts at the school of dentistry, and after starting his own business, Graybeard wrote audiovisual production textbooks for 3M and Bell & Howell. Now retired, Graybeard founded and served as the editor of a community newsletter before being ousted and starting the Discourse; he and his wife live in Florida, and Graybeard enjoys golf, photography, and travel.