I Am Here

I am Here 1 I didn’t notice the police officer outside of my car until I heard a hard tapping on my window, “You can’t park here,” he said with a loud authoritative voice. As I rolled down my window, the lights from the passing cars lit up my face just enough for him to notice I wasn’t doing so well. I didn't want to look at him; I was too embarrassed because he had just interrupted me in one of those pathetic ugly cries. I could hardly breathe, and I knew my face was a mess, I can't imagine what my eyes must look like since I wasn't wearing waterproof eye make-up and I didn't have a tissue, just a left-over napkin from the drive-through dinner Eli and I ate on the way to the airport. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t hungry for his overnight flight. “I needed to pull over for a few minutes to get myself together,” I said after I caught my breath. “What’s going on here," he asked with as much concern possible. He didn't have time for conversation; he needed to make sure the traffic kept moving. “I just dropped my son off; he’s moving across the country to live with his dad,” I responded. I knew this was going to be hard, but honestly, I had no idea of the pain I would feel. I continued, whether he wanted to listen or not, “My twelve-year old daughter is already there, she left three weeks ago. I’ve never lived without my kids before.” I knew he wanted to say something to make me feel better, but he couldn’t think of anything, “Sorry ma’am, I’ve recently gone through a divorce myself. It will get easier.” Then he handed me his card and said I could call him if I ever needed to talk. I thought that was nice of him, but I was in no condition to start up any new male friendships. I've learned it's easier to take the number and thank him instead of explaining why you're probably not going to call. Once he walked away, I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear-view mirror, that was enough to bring me back to my senses. I turned my music up loud and drove home in a trance. I knew when I got to my new apartment; I’d be coming “home” to an empty place. My kids would not be there tonight, or tomorrow, or the next year. As I walked in, I had to find the light switch without tripping over the moving boxes. It’s only my second night here and I already missed my big house on the golf course, but I didn't need it anymore since I would be living alone now. It wasn't that long ago I was dreaming about having some time to myself, just a few minutes from the chaos of a family of six. But now I don't even have anyone to say "goodnight" to, or take care of, except myself. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I couldn’t think about it anymore. I just needed to get to my bed where I can sleep away this sadness. My thoughts kept me awake though. How did this all happen? How is Richard still free? I don’t understand how he’s hidden from the police and the gang members this long! I checked my phone to see if Isaiah called, it had been a few days that I’d heard from him. Since there were no messages, I decided to turn my phone off. I didn’t need to know who wasn’t calling me. Before I climbed into bed, I knelt down, “God, I am here.” That was all I could say. 2 I’ve never really been one to stand up for myself, and I don’t like to tell people what to do. I’ve lived my entire life helping and pleasing other people. I don't require much from anyone. When someone is kind to me, it's uncomfortable, and I don't trust it. I’m good at loving people for who they are, which is why I put up with most people’s behaviors. I also find it hard to let someone get close to me, but when I do, I am pretty faithful to them, maybe even to a fault. I guess you could consider my heart is both my strength and my weakness. I didn't recognize these tendencies as a child; I wish there were some emotional analysis I could've taken to know what areas I was healthy in, and which ones I needed to make improvements. I think that could've helped me to make better choices for the years to come. 3 I met Olivia on my first day of second grade during the bus ride to school. As the kids got on, they started looking for a friend to sit next to. We were almost at the last stop, and I was still sitting alone. Until, we picked up this little blonde girl and her brother. She walked down the aisle, and when she got to my seat, she just plopped down and started talking to me as we've known each other our whole lives. “I almost missed the bus because of my dumb brother! Are you new?” She asked me without taking a breath. “Yes, we just moved here,” I said quietly. I’m not used to someone with so much confidence and energy. “Where did ya come from?” She never lived anywhere else, and most people she knew in this small town of North Carolina, didn’t usually move around. “Hokeland, not too far from here." I didn't fill her in on everything; I felt it was too complicated to explain that we used to live in Europe until Mom got fed up with Dad and brought us, kids, back to the states. After a year, Dad showed up and moved us into our new big house a few blocks away from hers.