Gunky's Adventures

Flicking is Dangerous to a Career (Not Cool to be Hot?) Come on Gunky light my fire. Try to ignite some science desire. Not the time to wallow in the ire. So what’s the name of the new hire? Gunky was rarely allowed to speak about what he did for living because of its nature and the danger of copycats. This was upsetting because he really wanted to make students aware of all possible career choices, especially his unique one. So it came as a great surprise one day when his manager asked if he wanted to be a Science Ambassador and speak at an Invention Convention. Didn’t take Gunky long to say, “Yes”, even after learning he had to use his own vacation time to perform the weekday afternoon gig. Driving to the local high school, Gunky practiced out loud the points he wanted to make to the young audience, understood to be small group of select science majors. He thought hard to think of a catchy intro. If he didn’t capture their attention quickly, he might be labeled as just another nerd and the experience a waste everyone’s time. Need a great opening line! He got to the administrative office 20 minutes early, where he was met by the Vice Principal, very appreciative of his willingness to speak promoting science. She told him the audience was slightly over 600, almost the entire high school. Realizing his challenge just went from difficult-to-nearly impossible, Gunky muttered to himself, “Oh well, the more, the merrier, right?” After being introduced as having a PhD and receiving a lukewarm welcome, Gunky took center court on the gymnasium floor. He stared into the packed bleachers for about 15 seconds, just smiling. By their varsity jackets he knew the back row was filled with jocks, whose attention he needed to get early and sustain. “And now for the hook.” “Good morning everyone. You just learned I’m a doctor. Bet you’re all wondering what type? What, you ask, there’s more than one type? Yes! You’ve all heard of medical doctors; they have people as patients. You’ve all also heard of veterinarians; they have animals as patients. Well, I’m a third type of doctor. And I have my patient in my pocket.” What Gunky did next would get him accused of high crime at this school. All he did was reach into his pocket, pull out a lighter, and flick it. “This is my patient, fire! I’ve spent most of my career trying to understand the awe and mystery of how this inferno comes alive; stays alive on its own; and how it can be snuffed out. Fire intrigues all of us. I decided at an early age to study it seriously. Want to perform magic? Hold a spoon over the tip of the flame like this and you instantly turn an invisible gas into a black powder. See this, it’s called soot. No scientist on this planet knows exactly how a flame makes so much soot so fast. It’s one of the hottest, ah coolest mysteries in chemistry and physics!” To say his intro was captivating would be an understatement. Gunky grabbed their attention, including the jocks in the back row. He told them how combustion heated their cozy library; cooked their yummy barfeteria food; and fueled their hot rods. They listened keenly to his tales of travels around the World and beyond fighting fires in pipelines, supertankers, and spacecraft. “I did so safely and smartly, and never have been burned because I like me.” As he was selling science, he couldn’t help but notice a suit offstage looking mean as Hell (pun intended). “Whoa, is that dude is peeved at someone! Wait, he’s glaring at me!” Gunky ended his presentation by asking, “Isn’t science cool?” and got not only a standing-O, but also an immediate order, “I’m the Principal; come with me to my office at once!” Gunky was confused. He entered first, followed by the Principal, who slammed the door behind. “What the Hell did you think you were doing?” Gunky admitted, without guilt, “Why, trying to give an engaging talk to students as to why studying science is neat.” His reprimand, “Well, you weren’t supposed to break strict school policy. We work very hard here to enforce our no-smoking policy and you had the nerve not only to bring in a cigarette lighter but also light it! I’ve never seen such insubordination! What’s your manger’s name and phone number? I’m filing a complaint!” His diatribe was interrupted when a woman came to his door, which he opened, glanced out and then screamed at Gunky, “You’ll be hearing from me!” He looked at Gunky then the door; Gunky got the message. During his drive back to work, Gunky didn’t mutter a word (usually talks to himself). On arrival, his manager was waiting in his office. “What did you do this time?” Gunky matter-of-factly told him what he said and did, to which his manager replied, “Congratulations, you just got the Principal suspended for 1 day without pay. Seems his Superintendent not only heard your talk and was wowed, but also heard the admonishment and was miffed. A letter of apology will be sent to you by tomorrow. Thanks for conducting yourself so professionally. Now get back to work; your smoking break is over, ha!” All Gunky said to himself driving home that night was, “Well, I’ll be damned. I’m going to keep that lighter as a souvenir! Flicked only once.” If you are wondering if Gunky ever played with matches when growing up, yes, setting a short-lived mini-forest fire at the age of 12, which might be why he would never be able to run for President? Never going to hear “Hail to the Gunky”.