Alone in a Crowded Room
An Adoption Story
by
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I was five when I found out I was adopted. I remember that night because it began with a star-flooded sky. I was sitting in Mother’s lap with my back to her chest, my pajama-ed legs dangling on either side of her. We were in front of the fireplace watching the flames dart up the chimney in a happy riot of crackling yellow and orange.
“Where do babies come from?” I asked. I was looking for the birds-and-the-bees story, not for what came next.
“You’re chosen and that, little girl, makes you extra special.” I must have turned around to look at her because I remember how the moonlight poured through the window highlighting her face. She looked odd. I can certainly guess why now, but not then.
“How come I’m chosen?” For some peculiar reason I remember noticing the little bird feeder with its windows and shutters hanging from a branch of our old cherry tree. A few chickadees were huddling there.
“I picked you out of a nursery of babies. And it was these strawberry blond curls which caught my eye.” She coils one around her finger, letting it go to spring back. “When I picked you up, you grabbed this little finger right here.” She wiggles it in front of my face and adds, “You squeezed it so tight, I just knew you were the one for me.”
I take her finger but am distracted. Through the lacy etchings of frost on the window panes icicles are glittering on limbs of dogwood. An unblemished carpet of white lies over the lawn, catching the moonlight and making it sparkle. It’s like magic outside, but inside my thoughts are suddenly flying out in all sorts of scary directions.
“But I thought, um, I had to come out of you.” I point to her tummy. “What if my real mommy comes back for me?”
“Your birth mother couldn’t keep you. I’m your mother now.” Mother tightens her embrace.
“Didn’t she love me?” I wail. “If you picked me it means she un-picked me, doesn’t it?” The corners of my mouth turn down and my lips tremble.
“I don’t know why she couldn’t keep you, Honey, but I’m so happy she didn’t because now you are mine and I love you very, very much!”
Outside, the bird feeder sways as sheets of snow begin falling in a slant. The chickadees are gone. The stars are missing, too, and in front of us, the fire has turned into a bed of ash with embers barely glowing.
I think I must have become very still, because from that moment on I swear I felt my real mama hover beside me. She was like a presence, who from that day forward never really left my side. That star-studded night ended with a blizzard of snow falling gray/white and spooky, I torn between wanting to know the mother who belonged to me and wanting to belong to the mother who wasn’t mine.
And so began a lifetime of missing Mama. It was like living with a hole inside me. I often ached with the hurt of not belonging, of feeling lost. Even in a crowded room I could feel lonely.
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About the Book
When five-year-old Lexie Saunders learns she is adopted and is told she is handpicked by Mother from a line-up of baby cribs, her life is forever changed. Instead of feeling special, Lexie becomes haunted by “Mama,” the mystery lady who gave birth to her.
The disappearance of Mama leaves a hole in Lexie’s heart, keeping her separate and feeling different from others. She often experiences acute loneliness even in the midst of a crowd of friends or family. Were she to learn the reason for her adoption, perhaps she would feel complete. However, searching for Mama means a possible rejection plus it might devastate the mother who has raised her.
Lexie, Mama, and Mother have each suffered greatly: one the loss of a mother, one the loss of a child, and one the loss of fertility. Together in the adoption triad, they are like the notes of a musical chord, inextricably intertwined for better or worse.
In recognition of her adopted grandparents’ and aunt’s unconditional love, Lexie will eventually gain the courage to search for answers plaguing her over a lifetime. Will they bring closure or open old wounds?
About the Author
Constance Bierkan, adopted in 1952, was told she was “special” because she was “chosen.” Despite the kind manner in which she learned of her adoption she struggled most of her life with a sense of never fitting in. It was the constancy of summer visits to her grandparents’ ranch where she experienced unconditional love, what it meant and where it could lead. Her journey as an adoptee inspired the sequence of vignettes found in Alone in a Crowded Room, her first book. She now lives in Colorado with her husband, Kurt and their Belgian Shepherd, Ollie and is working on her second novel.