30 Minutes of Laughter and a Few Minutes of Fear

Raccoon

Hello! So I am the only nut job that waits for work call 24 hours a day, like a bird looking for scraps. So a guy called me, yelling “Help! Help! A raccoon is trying to eat me. Hurry. Help!”. So I said “Calm down”. “Hurry, hurry!” he yelled.

I am familiar with the road he lived on, behind a 7-11 on 25 in Northport. I pulled on the block looking for the house - Pitch Black. The house number I believe it was had 1 bedroom light on. I got out, slammed my door. :Hello, Hello” I heard. I glanced over to the area of the sound, the room with the light on. “Hello, Hello”. Then I saw a head pop up in the window then disappear, again and again. “Hello”, the head up and down. Oh great I said to myself, 2am and another nut job. Why did I come?

Then I heard the door open, “Come in. Hurry! Help!”. Well I already drove here I might as well look. So I slowly entered. I heard Bang, Smash, Pidda Patter. I was relieved, he must have something. So I walked into the kitchen and saw a huge hole next to the ceiling fan. I think he had a raccoon so I was not here for nothing. All of a sudden, charging in my direction, now I’m like the guy, he’s coming at me. I jumped back. He scampered behind the couch. So I walked outside with no food, I will scare him into the traps I think. 30 minutes later and a few dramatic scampers and... Wala! I caught my raccoon. So “Time to go” I said to myself.

So I walked with the huge raccoon to the room at the end of the hallway. As I got closer I heard crying, so I knocked on the door...knock, knock, knock. The man yelled in a whining voice “NO NO NO, I am not coming out”. Cry, cry, cry. “Hey Buddy” I said, “the raccoon is in the cage”. “NO NO NO, not coming out” Now I was getting mad, I wasn’t going to get paid. So I angrily took the cage and the raccoon outside. I walked back in, the man was still crying. “Come out” I told him. “Are you sure?” he asked. I banged on the door louder...”Yeah!”.

He opened the door, tears, red. The man was about 60 years old and only 2 1/2 feet tall. The raccoon was as big as the man on back legs. I got paid and left. The poor man was short and senile so he could not reach the window.

Flying Squirrel

I went to a house and a lady had squirrels running in her house. They were baby flying squirrels, so cute. They must have been hungry; they ran right up to me, cute like a squirrel with a beaver like tail, colored like a brown skunk. So I pet the head of one of the three, he put his tail up and down like a dog. I was so excited to tell my wife and my kids. I brought them home and spent $300 on a tank, heaters and covers. The kids named him Alvin, He squeeked and danced like Happy Feet when a Family member approached. I bought this cozy little bed for him to sleep in and he spends all his time in it. How cute, until three days later, he never woke up. My wife reads up on flying squirrels and found out the he died from the material that was in the bed he loved. The kids were crying, my wife yelled at me - “why did I get the kids so hooked on them?” So I tell them I have plenty of flying squirrel jobs.

We researched the food they needed. So now all I need is a flying squirrel. I caught one but he’s older, yet friendly. I rubbed his nose a few times and threw him in a cage. So here we go. I take them out of the cage and I pet his nose. He waits, and then lunges. His teeth, cute as a beaver, yet they go through the middle of my finger and out the other side. The pain is awful. I scream and my wife and kids are locked in fear. I pull and he will not release my finger. I run swinging my hand back and forth over and over until finally he shot like a rubber band into the air. My finger was swollen for three weeks. I busted and threw out the tank. I said “Sorry kids, but no squirrel”.